How do you break up with someone you're not even with? Dating is weird.
We met on OK Cupid we're an 89% match. That 11% is everything. We have uni in common. He works for some corporate monster, I work doing odd jobs and acting. He thinks art is irrelevant, I think it's the only thing that is relevant. He say's he's dated artist types before, whatever that means. I think he dates artists types to fill the void. Our relationship was the fastest surface ride I've ever experienced. Here's how it breaks down:
Date one (the test), was awkward but we both like uni.
Date Two (courting), I met his nerdy friends and enjoyed their company. We have earth shattering drunk sex and spend a romantic day after getting brunch, walking through the park and laying on each others bellies.
Date Three (engagement), we get a couple steaks and some veggies from the farmers market. He cooks us lunch and we have pretty good, but we should have waited 30 minutes, sex.
Date Four (married), we go to Point Reyes have a lovely picnic but get in a spat about who will buy the next round of oysters, we recover, get shit-faced and somehow end up back at his place.
Date Five (the honeymoon), I couldn't sleep, (maybe it's because I was fucking horny and why was I even there if we weren't going to fuck?) he gets upset. I get dressed, he tells me I can't run away from my problems. I giggle and tell him I most surely can.
Date Six (counseling), we briefly discuss the conundrum of me not being able to sleep. I failed to express there was a simple and pleasurable solution. We decided he would stay at my house, to stave off my tossing and turning. We still don't have sex. "I'm not going to do all the work, I may wear a utility belt and dress like a commie but I'm still a fucking lady god damn it!" I explain. He agrees.
Date Seven (extra marital affairs; I mean I hope he's fucking someone else) we go for a hike, he pushes me to go faster and 15 minutes later he can't keep up.
Date Eight (just end it) we get drunk meet up with his friends who have the combined maturity of a thirteen year-old girl. They tell me to kiss him to prove we are together, I tell them to politely fuck themselves to prove they can cum. We leave, he doesn't know where the car is, but I do, I tell him and he say's, "no, it's over here". I don't say anything and straggle behind as he stomps through the neighborhood in search of a car I know the location of. He gives up and asks me where it is, I walk there and TaDa! He tells me I should have presented my knowledge of the cars location more confidently, I said "why?".
Date Nine (seriously, how bored are we?), he comes to my show and tells me I should be doing better things, working with better people. WTF? This was the first real compliment I received from him and it was unappetizing. Relative compliments suck. I should mention that prior to this compliments were about my shoes, my intelligence and my positive attitude. That's all well and appreciated but I'm superficial enough to want to be told I'm beautiful, sexy even.
Date Ten (divorce papers), we have a delicious dinner at a trendy BBQ joint, he complains, I'm just glad he paid. We go to my place and watch a movie. We don't kiss, the sex died after date four and kissing now would be disastrous. I'm confused, how did we get this far without going anywhere at all? I tell him to tell me I'm pretty, he does with an added and unsolicited "very". He leaves. I resign to never see him again, maybe I'll send it in a text.
This new age form of dating leaves me feeling entitled, they don't expose themselves, there is no passion, there is no vulnerability and I, after what was more like 12 dates, have no real knowledge of who this person is except via the face book posts that religiously account his quotidian reality.
The break up call is documented here:
http://ursulatheclown.weebly.com/3/post/2014/04/break-up-guide.html
What did I learn? I'm a twisted sort of sycophant who will humor a mans interest in me for the sake of my ever-deteriorating ego. It's worse than being a vampire and women don't even talk about it. First step is acknowledging the problem, I'm half way there.
If I sound like a terrible awful person that's because I am.
In my defense I only strung him along for three months, and I was genuinely curious to see if there was anything there, there wasn't, anyways some people string each other along for years. I'd rather be alone, or continue having multiple, we don't pretend to be serious or deny the passion, affairs.
Alyssa Westerlund
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