On Sunday I was having a great, albeit mellow, day. After eating lunch at a friends pop-up and buying some new underwear I headed home to relax before I left again to do a comedy show.
I was getting out of my car and gathering up my bags when I heard a man say in a very small voice, “Hello.” I looked up but I couldn't see anyone so I resumed. Then I hear, “Hello,” again, this time I look up and, let's call him Bob, is standing in front of my car leaning towards me with a sheepish look in his eyes. I was stunned. I said, “Hello... You're here to talk to me?”
First off Bob and I are acquaintances and I've been ghosting his calls for months. What the fuck is he doing at my house? I don't typically ghost people but I had tried to talk to him about our “friendship” and I had no desire to rekindle or continue explaining why I didn't think we needed to be friends. First off, he's married and while I know his wife he only invited me over when she was out of town. Secondly, he would pick my brain but never reciprocated; he wanted to know all about comedy and I shared as much with him as I knew but when I asked him to help me arrange my songs, his forte, he blew off my request with a, “That's so easy, sure I'll show you sometime.” The next time I asked him he was busy and the third time I asked him he changed the subject as if he didn't hear me at all. That didn't feel good, I felt undermined, like he didn't take my pursuits seriously but I was supposed to legitimize his? I strive for mutuality in my relationships and this guy was leaving me feeling unappreciated, it was draining. Thirdly, he usually called me when he wanted to get stoned, often he would buy me lunch or throw a few bucks my way but the last time I gave him weed he said he would reimburse me somehow and never did. And then I remembered that he still owed me fifteen dollars for some data entry work I had done and that's when I realized Bob was not impeccable with his word. Small amounts of money but a big realization. He was using me. It felt gross, so I stopped returning his calls figuring that it would be easier than engaging with a man who is always right.
So he's not quite a stranger and definitely not a friend and now, after four months and the occasional call/text that I decidedly did not respond to, he was at my house standing right in front of me. Did he call on Sunday to see if I would be home? No. The last time he called had been about a week prior and I was out of cell service but when I saw the missed call there was no message so I figured he just wanted to get stoned or something.
Now I'm standing at my house and I'm very scared, I'm looking at this mans pleading but empty eyes and he keeps saying, “I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm very upset because you are mad at me, things are not good and I don't know what I did.” So I tell him calmly that I'm not mad at him, I just don't need more male friends. He asks me if he can please have ten minutes of my time. I was so nervous and in shock, he looked like he was going to cry and I felt very threatened; now you're asking me if you can have ten minutes of my time, now that you're at my house and I have no way of saying no and nowhere else to go! Thanks.
I told him I was going to put my stuff inside and that I would be out in a few minutes. I went inside, sent a message to a man I trust, and did some deep breathing. I could see Bob pacing in the parking lot. I did not want to go back outside. Why didn't he call first? Even if I ignored the call he could have left a message. I rolled a cigarette and went outside. He starts in again with the apologies and then tells me that he thinks I'm not being honest about why I don't want to be his friend any more. He offered me explanations and asked me if that was how I felt. I explained, I didn't think he cared about my goals and that he made me feel used. I've dumped many of my friends for this reason and it was nothing to take personally.
He told me that our relationship was so great, as if we were close friends. He told me that he wanted me to feel better, I felt great until he showed up. He told me that he understood that I did not need more guy friends but that he didn't want anything sexual from me. He told me about how amazing I am. He told me that he was begging for my friendship. While he spoke he was going in and out of what seemed like near feigned tears. I was getting exhausted and the ten minutes wasn't half way over yet. I told him this, I told him he was draining me, but he did not understand how, he looked confused and continued prodding me for an answer that would satiate his ego. When it was over he insisted that we were cool, that he couldn't wait to see me again. He told me that he could help me with music now. I told him I no longer wanted his help. He told me I could call him for anything. I told him I would not call him. He told me he would understand if it took me some time to reach out. I shook his hand. He smiled and said he was glad I felt better. Like I said I was fine, great even, before he came to my home uninvited, I feigned a smile and went back to my apartment.
As soon as I locked the door I started crying. It took me a few minutes to realize why. Coming to my home uninvited after four months of very passive attempts to get a hold of me (calls with no messages) and texts saying,”Hi,” he decided forcing an interaction with me was the only way for him to get the reaction/energy he wanted from me. So he did. He waited outside my apartment, in his car, for me to come home. Then I realized this was likely not the first time he came by. I have a very weird schedule and was surprised he “caught” me at all. So a man, a man I know, decided to violate my boundaries under the guise that he was distraught over the loss of my friendship. The guy has over three-thousand friends on Facebook and the first time I took him to an open mic he brought fifteen people. What does a guy like that need me for? And if he is this emotionally unstable how does he keep his other friends? He was trying to appeal to my emotions, it felt insincere and it reeked of zombie and vampire.
I'm in my apartment crying and locking all my windows. I'm worried someone is out there and it's not paranoia, thanks to Bob, the reality is someone was out there.
I let myself cry and remember I have a show to go to, I need to get back to center. I hurried to wash the smeared mascara off my face. My fellow comedians pick me up and we go to the show. The show was a lot of fun but I was exhausted. On the way home I panicked when they didn't want to drop me off first because it was a few minutes out of the way. I insisted they take me home first and they did but they were confused as to why I was so adamant about it. I had told them about Bob but I was still in shock, it had just happened and I was edgy. They understood in a very distant way. They did not see the very direct correlation between a man waiting at my house for me and my irrational, inspired, fear of being alone with two men late night. The thought struck, “What if when you go back to B's house to pee they rape you? What if after you drop B off, A rapes you?” I think, "I know these men", but I no longer feel good about my discernment. I was on high alert.
I cried a little before bed. Bob is not the first man who has forced his presence on me and a flood of memories came back, a flood of situations in which I was violated... The boyfriend who hit and eventually stalked me... The times I was raped. All these thoughts. I realized again, as most women do (again and again), that I could be hurt, very easily. My safety is a fragile thing and more so when men, who know where I live, can justify stalking me when I don't give them what they want.
I was angry at myself for shining him on, for saying “We're cool,” and for not telling him how absolutely unacceptable his action was.
Everyone told me I did the right thing and that being nice was the best way to prevent another negative encounter. They told me that if I had told him to fuck off it might have provoked him. Provoked him? He's already taken action, he's already been provoked, reputedly.
So I, a woman who was effectively stalked must be nice. I can't have boundaries? I can't tell him that his behavior was insane because that would instigate more insane behavior and then if anything bad happened to me it would be my fault?
I texted Bob yesterday after blocking his number, I told him we're not cool and that there were a million other ways he could have approached me. First being by leaving me a message instead of calling periodically and hanging up. I told him he was not welcome at my home. I felt better, I don't want to bow down and kiss the ass of predators for fear that stating I'm a human being with boundaries will bring out the dragon. If he shows up again I will have no qualms about calling my neighbors and the cops. My neighbors have been informed, and they saw him so they know who to look out for.
Last night I told a man, at a comedy show, who had been heckling me and was now hitting on me by complimenting my body, hair and outfit, to leave me alone. He got defensive and said he just wanted to tell me how bold I was on stage, I told him he should have led with that. He started being very aggressive, insulting my outfit (after complimenting it) and my intelligence (after telling me how funny I was). Luckily I was with two men so when I told him to fuck off he did but then he stood behind us and glared at me. I stayed close to the guys and eventually bolted to my car. The guys didn't think I was overreacting they thought that that guy was a douche bag but I still felt stupid for speaking up for myself and worried that the douche bag would retaliate by following me to my car, crazy thoughts? Not so crazy thoughts?
Coming home was scary. I looked all around for Bobs car and moved from my car, very quickly, inside. No one was home. I started getting nervous because I hadn't told my roommate about him and what if he had accosted her and took her keys because I told him the truth and blocked his number. What if he retaliated? What if he was outside again? What if he has a drone? What if he's a rapist? A murderer? What if's of the paranoid kind flooded my mind until my roommate showed up. I told her about the situation and how crazy I was feeling and she told me that it was normal to feel and think these things after something like this. Being stalked has a profoundly disturbing effect on the brain, you're on high alert and thoughts you would normally dismiss as paranoid are now all very plausible.
I'm still sad. I feel less than human. I feel like an object subjected to the likes of the male ego. I'm trying to calm the paranoia and reassure myself that I stated my boundaries and that this time he will respect them. I'm trying not to blame myself. Lots of thoughts of things I “should” have done differently: I shouldn't have ghosted him, I should have explained that our “friendship” was no friendship, I shouldn't have let him come to my house in the first place.
Where did we even meet?
I was leaving work by bike and stopped in the park to eat a snack and read my book. I was on a bench alone. There were dudes smoking weed some twenty-odd feet away, they didn't bother me, nor I them. I was in my book and I hear, “Hi,” I look up and a nice looking man is smiling at me. I said, “Hi.” He sat down and started chatting with me. I was slightly annoyed, I didn't sit here to be approached, I sat here to get a break from people and read my book in peace. I kept trying to return to my book and then he asked me if I had any weed because he could smell weed. I told him I was not smoking but the gentlemen over there were, he should ask them. He said, “I know they have weed but do you?” At this point I was pretty unsettled but he seemed normal, he was so confident and his smile was disarming, I said, “Sure, yeah, I've got some weed.” Then he asked if he could buy it, I told him I didn't sell weed but maybe one of those guys did. He said he would just buy whatever amount I had, if I had any. I said, “Okay, I guess.” He went to an ATM to get money, came back and smoked the weed he bought from me, with me and we talked about art and music. I thought he's a foreigner, he's new, he's not a wacko he's just trying to make friends. We exchanged numbers and shortly after he was texting me to get coffee and smoke weed with him. One of the first, if not the first, times we got coffee together we were talking and he asked me how I knew he wasn't a rapist. I said I didn't, but that if he was I was ready to hurt him. He changed the subject. This made me uneasy and when I reflect on our relationship I was never interested in pursuing spending time with him and he consistently made me feel uneasy. He would call me and if I had time we would hang out but in the year, almost two, of our acquaintance I never once called him.
The more I think about it women in public spaces are subjected to this all the time, they are in public are they not and many men assume that this means we want to be approached by them. Like Bob, seemingly harmless but he forced the first encounter just as he forced the last and I didn't see that because he didn't look crazy. He didn't look like the guy who yells at you when you're wearing headphones, “Hey bitch, take off your headphones, you stupid bitch.” Men are constantly getting too close to me too fast, often I will literally stick my hand out to create a visible boundary and ask them what they want. I hear all kinds of things and more often than not if I respond with any authority and tell them to leave me alone I'm assaulted with words like: whore, bitch, cunt, tease, slut, stupid bitch... You get it. So I'm polite because I've been trained to be. But I'm sick of being polite of being forced to act flattered by the disgusting men who harass me. I don't want to wear a bitch face to keep the world at bay and I shouldn't have to.
Men if you didn't already know this, all women are harassed on a daily, hourly, sometimes every goddamn minute, if they chose to leave the house.
Please stop assuming we want your company, ask us, and if we tell you to fuck off, listen to us. Treat us with the same respect you treat your fellow man. Stop fucking talking about our bodies to us as if we're not there, as if it's flattering to be objectified in front of your peers. Lead with compliments that are not about our bodies, you can say, "You look nice/beautiful" without expectation as a friend or a sibling, and if you are attracted to a woman and she does not receive you, you do not have the right to be hostile towards her. Grow up. We're taking the kid gloves off.
I feel very unsafe right now, I still haven't opened my blinds. I'm not going to hide in my dark apartment because my dark apartment is no safer than the streets, not now, maybe it never was.
I wrote this Tuesday today is Thursday.
I feel much better now. I'm proud of myself for asserting my boundaries and bringing awareness to the situation. I'm proud of myself for not sweeping it into the pile of abuse I've endured, convinced it was my fault. I let it go and decided to be much more intentional about who I let into my space and who I share my time with.
I feel some resolve and a cautious optimism. I have told the universe what I won't accept and I remain focused on what I want in my life.
Love is always your friend.
Thanks for reading.
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Alyssa WesterlundI love it when it rains. Archives
March 2016
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